OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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