All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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