Where did you get a picture of my penis
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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