I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
