i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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