the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
