I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
