I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
