It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I forgot how hot balto sounded
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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