I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
