I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
