if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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