my being single is dangerous.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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