you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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