well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Everclear isn't food dammit
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
