Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
