Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
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