So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Randomize
