when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
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