Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
