when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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