there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
