Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize