i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
