I'm pants shitting drunk right now
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Randomize