cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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