My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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