I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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