I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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