I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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