you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
