I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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