You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
