She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
