It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
