1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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