If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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