I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
