i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
