Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
