I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
