Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
