So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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