And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
