so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
