Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
