haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
