i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Randomize
