I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize