I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize