I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
