I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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