sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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