There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
