i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
