i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize