a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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