Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize