I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
