Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
wanna go halves on a baby?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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