saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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