either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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