i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
