For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize