Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize