At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
