So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I could make wine with my vomit
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize